Car Seat Death Match 2008

I decided about a month ago that I was done with the car seat. I don't mind "riding" in the car seat. I just don't want to be buckled in anymore. I have repeatedly made this known to my mommy and daddy. When Nana came to visit, I took the time to share my thoughts with her on the subject as well. However, NO ONE seems to be listening.

I have kicked and screamed, slapped and pinched; yet, I still am buckled in my seat. I have developed a move (or skill as I like to refer to it). I call it the Stiff Board Horse. I thought I would share it with all the other toddlers out there so that maybe we could work together to make this maneuver even more effective than where I currently have it.

Position 1: Stiff board
Pretend that the car seat is on fire and stiffen your body so as to not get in the "sitting" position. Draw the buttocks in and straighten the back and legs. You should look like a stiff board with only your head and calves touching the actual seat. (If your mom happens to lose her grip, you will slide down the seat hitting your head on the foot of the car seat then on the back of one of the front seats. Don't be alarmed. It is okay. You've broken free for the moment, so it is technically worth it.) Even though your body is rigid from head to toe, please note that the forearms and hands can and should be mobile. Pinching and slapping seem to work well in this position.

Now there will come a point where you will be unable to continue holding the stiff board position (especially with your mom pressing down on your hips trying her best to make you sit). This is the point where you want to launch into the next position.

Position 2: Horse
Pretend you a rodeo bronco in for the fight/ride for your life. Aggressively buck your body into the car seat then back out to the stiff board position. Don't forget to put your total body into it. Your arms were already in action in the stiff board position, but now is the time to engage the head and legs as well. So bang your head and kick as hard as you can.

WARNING: The horse bucking move is difficult. It has been during this maneuver that my mommy seems to be able to trap me in the sitting position, thus allowing her access to the shoulder harnesses and buckles. (It is hard for me to truly evaluated how she traps me, because I'm out visiting the great state of Crazy in the moment.) But I think she is trapping me by placing an elbow in between my legs at the base and using her forearm to hold my chest in place. She then uses the other arm to attach the top buckles. I'm fighting her like a wild animal, which is good. She will have to use both hands to get the straps around my arms and shoulders to clip the top buckle, thus allowing me to launch into another stiff board position. The stiff board can still be used even when the top buckle is connected, but eventually you have to buck again, and that allows your mom to pin you. Also be careful once the top buckle is engaged. You can get so into crazy that you start to slide out of the seat with the top buckle connected and darn near hurt yourself. But on the bright side, you also might slide yourself out. Once the top latch is engaged; it's a gamble, that's all I'm saying. Use your judgement and trust your mommy to protect you. It's what she's there for.

Secret Tip: If you can sit on or keep the lower buckle behind you, you can greatly improve your odds in the match. Your mommy has to get that buckle between your legs, which is nearly impossible during stiff board position. I have never fully defeated my mommy in Car Seat Death Match, but by using this secret tip, I have greatly extended my time in battle.

Needless to say, all above skills are done with ear piercing, door rattling screams. Ask yourself, "Is my mommy wincing? Can I be heard by strangers who are near by?" If your mommy does not look distressed and strangers are not turning their heads, then you are not giving enough to the project verbally. With time and practice, your verbal prowess will improve. You know you've made it to the top level when dogs begin to howl with you.

I also cannot stress enough the physical component of this skill. No matter what position you are in, you should be both offensively and defensively battling your mommy. Even when you know defeat is imminent and you find yourself firmly locked into your seat, do not stop protesting until the key is in the car's ignition.

So basically this is where I am at with the car seat issue. I am doing my best, but I have not won a single car seat death match yet. But I feel like I'm close. Have any of my fellow toddlers got any advice on how to improve my technique? Please share your stories. I could use a few pointers. I have not explored biting or spitting yet, but I am open to suggestions. What has worked for you?

I will post again soon. Encouragement and peace to all my fellow toddlers. Remember to keep your patience with your parents. They love us; they just are not fully understanding our boundaries and values yet.

Your warrior princess,
Ella


A note from guest speaker and my older sister, Laurel.
Great article Ella! I did want to add that not everyone waits for their Car Seat Death Matches until age two. I began my career at 4 months of age. I started small, with long fits of crying that defied all reason, then quickly moved into the the physical fighting as my body and motor skills developed and would allow. I was not one to stop protesting when mom started the car. I in fact would cry for ...well...as long I was in the car, really. I didn't end my career in Car Seat Death Matches until you were born. Three car seats would not fit in our vehicle. We had to purchase a van to accommodate you; but mommy got one with a DVD player to accommodate me. I cannot say that I ever won a match against mom either; but when you get to watch Dora in the car, you can thank me for the feature.

Thanks, Laurel. You have been a real inspiration and I have learned so much from you. I think we all see now that you are never too young to start a career in Car Seat Death Matches. I thank you for all your hard work and tenacity. The DVD player is great.

I asked my oldest brother for some words of advice, but he had none to offer. He was ALWAYS a great traveler. Show off!